Conversation with a Security Officer posing as a Baseball Fan

This is somewhat out-of-character from my typical entries here, and I am still obscenely busy at work, which is adding a hitch to my blogging gitalong, but I couldn't resist taking a break from my daily fire extinguisher work to share this moment of light hilarity with my friends and readers.

Disclaimer: This is in no way, shape, or form a general knock against Security Officers in general...where I work, there are several of these guys are gals who are extraordinary people and serve as some of the best workplace conversation and camaraderie you can imagine.  This is a specific knock against one fellow, who shall remain nameless.  The photo below is a reasonable Google Image representation of this particular chap...not an actual photo of him (photos in the warehouse are verboten).  Please show inordinate amounts of love and respect to your local Security Officer, even if they turn out to be this guy.

Fortunately, Kirk the Security Officer is not a regular in the warehouse in which I work on a daily basis. He's a "floater," rotating to different posts for breaks or when a "regular" is out for the day.  I've seen Kirk in here for years, talked to him several times, and I've found that he is one of the biggest baseball idiots I've ever encountered.  Some of our chats have been better than the one we had today, and some of them haven't been as good.  I typically don't engage in baseball talk with 'typical' baseball fans, as my point of view is my own and my frame of reference is also different...some folks (including "regular" Security Officers here) that isn't the case, I know what their frame of reference is, and I keep our light discussion on that level. Kirk is an exception, he's so clueless I sometimes lead him into discussions where I'm sure he will 'stun' me with his baffling baseball intelligence, today was a good day for this.

That being said, I need relief from current events of my job right away, and I'm presenting this chat with Kirk (not his real name) in its entirety, writing as it just occurred a few minutes ago, as intact as I can muster. Prepare to be blown away, profoundly.

Kirk (as I pass through checkpoint with my Cubs lanyard): Hey, hey there he is...the Cubby guy!  How are your Cubs doing now?
Me: Pretty much near the bottom, as expected!

Kirk: Ha ha! That's where they always are!
Me: C'mon, not really...the past few years, for sure, but that's just not the case.

Kirk: Bullshit! (uttered emphatically) They have been a sucko team for a long time!
Me: Really? Where do you come up with this?

Kirk: Well, they haven't won a World Series in almost a hundred years!
Me: Actually, it's been over a hundred years...

Kirk: There you go!
Me: ...But, that doesn't mean they've sucked for as long, does it?

Kirk: Of course it does!
Me: The Texas Rangers didn't win a World Series last year, or the year before, but that certainly doesn't mean they are a "sucko team," right?

Kirk: The Cardinals are much better!>
Me: Ah, OK...so you are a Cardinals fan?

Kirk: No (shakes head emphatically)
Me: So who is your favorite team?

Kirk: I like the Cardinals.
Me: You just said you weren't a Cardinals fan!

Kirk: That's right, but I like the Cardinals. And the Braves.
Me: Ah ha! The BRAAHVOES!! So, when was the last time they won a World Series?

Kirk: (pausing) Just a few years ago!
Me: No, it was 1995, Kirk...17 years ago.

Kirk: No, they won in 2005!
Me: Dude, that was the White Sox...the Braves were in the World Series in 1999 but lost to the Yankees, I believe that was the last time they made it that far.

Kirk: Well, they have that going for them.
Me: So, does that mean they suck also?

Kirk: (squirming) Yeah, well...I see those offseason moves for the Cubs are really paying off!
Me: I think those were done not to win ballgames, but to secure players who would have trade value at the deadline.

Kirk: Ha ha, don't give me that.  You Cubs fans are all the same! You know what their problem is? They don't draft good players.
Me: Well, if you look at it from a high level, they have the same luck or dumb luck as any other team...the Braves included.

Kirk: Baseball teams who draft outfielders, that's the key to success.
Me: What was that?

Kirk: Teams don't draft enough outfielders...if they draft and trade for outfielders, they are always better.
Me: Really?

I'm not making this up.

Kirk: Most organizations have it all wrong. What they need to do is draft outfielders one year, then draft infielders the next year.  Then in two years, they have a great lineup.

Me: Oh, come on, Kirk.  You're telling me that the Nationals drafted an outfielder last year, and by drafting a pitcher in the first round the year before, they made a mistake?

Kirk: Who was that?
Me: Stephen Strasburg.

Kirk: He's great.
Me: Yeah, but what do you think?

Kirk: Did they draft infielders this year?
Me: If they did, they won't be playing for a few years...come on, I'm curious...I need to know how this works, in your mind.  I could pass the tip on to the Cubs and they can win a World Series!

Kirk: Man, that'll never happen. They will always suck.
Me: Well, you never know.  So who's going to win the World Series this year?

Kirk: The Nationals.
Me: What if they didn't draft any infielders this year? Do they need to trade for infielders at the deadline?

Kirk: (pauses, shakes his head) Oh boy, the Cubs suck.
Me: OK, Kirk...you're the man!

knowe whut this gai neds? tylonol